Actual Quotes from my Dad (An English Teacher)

Dad:Why the hell did you put a comma there?
Dad:Do you even know what a participial phrase is?
Dad:Omg. He's like my favorite character of all time.
Dad:Who should I dress up as for the movie premier?
Dad:Hey are you awak? I know it's late, but you read Animal Farm, right? Yeah. I need you to read this report. I can't tell if I am just super tired or if this is actual bullshit.
Dad:Alesha wouldn't be able to spell 'definitely' right if wrote it down for her. She would fucking erase it and then write 'defiantly', because she doesn't care. I hate her.
Dad:I need you to bake brownies. I lost a bet.
Dad:Omg. You cannot ship me with Gilcher. You know I don't like tattoos and he's like twenty-five. And for Christ's sake, he teaches math.
Dad:Omg. Gilcher said the funniest thing today.
Dad:Mrs. Ashworth and I have decided to start a band. It'll be called Great Expectations.
Dad:It's like you didn't read the fucking book.
Dad:Okay. So this week you're reading this book I stole from Mrs. Ashworth's. It's like sixty pages long, but you'll love it.
Dad:*puts books on my bed for me to read everyday and demands that I read them*
Dad:My son doesn't like reading. I have not only failed him, but society. You aren't my son. Leave.
Dad:Okay. So you're getting books for Christmas. All of you. I get discounts on them since I'm a teacher, and since I'm a teacher, it's all I can afford, so...
Dad:Fucking standardized testing can go fuck itself in the ass.
Dad:I have to teach for the required testing instead of what they really need to know.
Dad:Fuck the government.
Dad:Fuck the school board.
Dad:Close the door.
Dad:Charles Dickens was so fucking pretentious, and I hate him, but he also caused change, but he's such a Dick. Ha. DICKens.
Dad:I love puns.
Dad:People who say sarcasm is the lowest form of humor are assholes.
Dad:Please shut up.
Dad:Catching Fire was the worst book but the best movie and that feels weird.
Dad:I wouldn't get so mad when you call me at school if you didn't change your ringtones to inappropriate rap music.
Dad:I fucking hate Alesha. She asked what countries were apart of Austria-Hungary today and I almost told her to get out.
Dad:You cannot visit my school in a dress that short. There are boys there.
Dad:Barbra Parks is fucking Queen.
Dad:I need you to make me a good, relaxing playlist for silent reading. I'm too lazy.
Dad:If I have to watch two of my students grind on each other at one more dance, I will kill them both.
Dad:They act like I care what they think.
Dad:I hate homework.
Dad:I have decided to become a politician.
Dad:What's the one book with the guys and the one kills the other and the chick without a name who dies and the short angry man? Mouseman? Oh my fucking gosh. Of Mice and Men. I have failed.
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lackyannie:

theangiec:

This makes me laugh. everytime. I will never not reblog this 

THIS IS MY NUMBER 1 FAVORITE THING OON THIS GOD FORSAKEN SITE

lackyannie:

theangiec:

This makes me laugh. everytime. I will never not reblog this 

THIS IS MY NUMBER 1 FAVORITE THING OON THIS GOD FORSAKEN SITE

(Source: theangiec83, via boulevardez)

@14 hours ago with 181274 notes
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lion:

this nigga drake brought a lint roller to a basketball game lmaoooo

lion:

this nigga drake brought a lint roller to a basketball game lmaoooo

(via pizzapuncher)

@14 hours ago with 34561 notes
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notice-me-senpie:

eren-jaegersbasement:

if you think that you are starting to get a crush on someone

  • dont
  • what are you thinking
  • abort mission
  • digest those butterflies
  • IM SERIOUS

digest those butterflies 

(Source: basement-relatable, via boulevardez)

@14 hours ago with 124642 notes
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dontactlikewewerenothing:

THEYRE STILL FRIENDS

dontactlikewewerenothing:

THEYRE STILL FRIENDS

(Source: g-iggle, via boulevardez)

@14 hours ago with 136519 notes
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silversora:


"Dave.."
"Fuck off Shaun I am taking a picture."
"DAVE."

silversora:

"Dave.."

"Fuck off Shaun I am taking a picture."

"DAVE."

(Source: stigmartyr762, via pizza)

@14 hours ago with 277101 notes
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oreo:

See how food innovator Michael Voltaggio’s Fanatic Hack flips the script on game time chips.

@14 hours ago with 14963 notes
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twotibsawhisker:

'hey, we're bees' is probably the calmest reaction ever to this situation

(Source: fuckyeah1990s, via officialfrenchtoast)

@14 hours ago with 220021 notes
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spicegirlsofficial:

people who interrupt me when i speak

image

(Source: 2treehill, via officialfrenchtoast)

@14 hours ago with 91086 notes
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dick-rider-dave-strider:

dick-rider-dave-strider:

grandmoms are precious and must be protected at all costs

i told her i was posting this on tumblr and she said “let me know how many hits i get!!!” so just watch this and make an old woman happy

(Source: arin-hans0n, via butterscotchripple)

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